{"id":44429,"date":"2025-11-12T10:17:52","date_gmt":"2025-11-12T15:17:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jedfoundation.org\/?p=44429"},"modified":"2025-11-19T11:01:53","modified_gmt":"2025-11-19T16:01:53","slug":"youth-advocacy-coalition-texas-ivanna-sintes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jedfoundation.org\/youth-advocacy-coalition-texas-ivanna-sintes\/","title":{"rendered":"Choosing Myself Over the Version I Pretended to Be"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Ivanna<\/p>\n

By Ivanna Sintes, The Jed Foundation Youth Advocacy Coalition Texas Fellow \u201925<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I was the best actress I knew, and I never even had lessons.<\/span><\/p>\n

Growing up, I was always drawn to acting. I\u2019d perform skits with my friends and family, and I joined every play I could. Acting was something that came naturally to me.<\/span>
\n<\/span>Cry on cue? Easy. Smile in photos? Convincing. Pretend everything was fine? That was my greatest role of all. My teachers, friends, and family thought I had it all together. But the truth was, I wasn\u2019t just acting on stage. I was acting every single day of my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I didn\u2019t realize at the time was that pretending to be fine was something I\u2019d later have to unlearn, and that being open about how I truly feel would become the role that took the most practice.<\/span><\/p>\n

It took me years to realize there was a word for what I\u2019d been doing all along: <\/span>masking<\/span><\/i>.<\/span>
\n<\/span>I would later learn that masking means hiding how you truly feel to appear okay, smiling through sadness, laughing when you want to cry, or keeping busy so you don\u2019t have to feel. For many, it\u2019s not a choice. It\u2019s survival.<\/span><\/p>\n

For me, masking started young. After my parents divorced, my mom moved out, and my self-esteem faded. Feelings of depression arrived at my door like an unexpected visitor; it didn\u2019t just knock; it moved in. At the time, I didn\u2019t understand what it was, only that it made everything feel heavier. That I woke up tired even after sleeping, that the things I used to enjoy didn\u2019t feel fun anymore, and that I didn\u2019t have the motivation to do anything.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Occasional sadness is a normal part of life, but what I was feeling was different. It lingered for long periods, clouded everything, and took energy. I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. It didn\u2019t. It actually made everything worse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But instead of reaching out, I did what I\u2019d been taught: I stayed quiet and looked \u201cfine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In Hispanic culture, mental health struggles are often treated as a taboo topic. Growing up, I was taught to never say, \u201cI feel depressed.\u201d In my family, therapy wasn\u2019t something we turned to. Instead, we prayed, toughed it out, and stayed quiet. We didn\u2019t talk about mental health <\/span>\u2014 <\/span>not because we didn\u2019t care, but because strength and love were how we showed support and gave hope to others. It took me a long time to realize that asking for help doesn\u2019t go against those values; it honors them. Before I had that realization, I acted as if vulnerability was something you hid behind closed doors and sadness was something you fixed in silence.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, I smiled. I made jokes. I got good grades. And when people said, \u201cYou\u2019re always so happy,\u201d I took it as a compliment, even though it was really just proof that my mask was working.<\/span><\/p>\n

At home, however, the performance would come to an end. I\u2019d close my door, collapse on my bed, and finally let the tears fall. I\u2019d wish it would be okay to stop pretending.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I finally told my dad I felt depressed, he didn\u2019t believe me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How could he? I had hidden it too well.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My parents told me not to tell anyone, to keep it private, because people might see me differently. And so I listened. My silence became another costume.<\/span><\/p>\n

But after that conversation, something changed. When I told my dad I was depressed, he said, \u201cIf that\u2019s true, let\u2019s go to a psychiatrist.\u201d He didn\u2019t mean it harshly. He just didn\u2019t understand. He had never struggled with mental health himself, and neither had the people around him, at least not openly. Because of that, it was hard for him to grasp that many people, including me, learn to mask their depression behind a smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I was officially diagnosed with <\/span>major depressive disorder.<\/span><\/i> It was the first time I realized what I\u2019d been feeling had a name. I was able to see that many people my age were going through the same thing, often in silence, and that help existed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Since the stigma had been ingrained in me from an early age, I still didn\u2019t feel comfortable talking to people, but I would talk to the pages in my journal. Writing was my outlet, the one place I didn\u2019t have to act. I wrote about the sadness, the secrecy, and the ingrained shame, often in metaphors. I wrote about how I could help others. I wrote about plans on how I could be an advocate. I wrote letters to my younger self, writing what I wish someone had told me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until I got to college that I finally allowed others to see the real me and removed my mask.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took me a long time to understand how common masking is, especially in my community, where showing emotion can be seen as weakness or shame. But those messages don\u2019t protect us <\/span>\u2014<\/span> they isolate us.<\/span><\/p>\n

Masking can look different for everyone. For some, it was staying productive to avoid breaking down. For others, it\u2019s being the \u201cfunny\u201d one or the \u201cstrong\u201d one. But underneath, there\u2019s a quiet exhaustion, the kind that comes from pretending your feelings don\u2019t exist.<\/span><\/p>\n

The truth is, masking works until it doesn\u2019t. Eventually, it becomes too heavy. You start forgetting who you are underneath it all. And when that happens, the bravest thing you can do is take off the mask, even if just a little.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s what I\u2019m learning to do now: to be honest about how I feel, even when it\u2019s uncomfortable. To let people see me when I\u2019m not okay. Because pretending to be fine doesn\u2019t make the pain go away, it just hides it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing can only start when we stop hiding.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re reading this and you\u2019ve been acting, too, know this: Your truth deserves space to breathe. You don\u2019t have to perform to be loved. You don\u2019t have to be \u201cstrong\u201d to be worthy. It\u2019s okay to be real. Because you were never meant to be an actor in your own life. You were meant to live it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Visit <\/span>JED\u2019s Mental Health Resource Center<\/span><\/a> to find easy-to-use tools and tips for managing feelings like anxiety and sadness, as well as guides to supporting the people you love, including how to get professional support if you\u2014or they\u2014need it. You can also find specific resources about <\/span>sadness and depression<\/span><\/a>.<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Ivanna Sintes, The Jed Foundation Youth Advocacy Coalition Texas Fellow \u201925 I was the best actress I knew, and I never even had lessons. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":52,"featured_media":44443,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44429","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nChoosing Myself Over the Version I Pretended to Be | The Jed Foundation<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"JED Youth Advocacy Coalition, Texas Fellow Ivanna Sintes shares how years of \u201cacting fine\u201d hid her depression\u2014and how unmasking, seeking help, and embracing vulnerability led to real healing\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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